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Mastering the Art of Imperfection: How I Am Learning to Let Go of My Perfectionism

By: Nancy Howard : 2/6/2010 12:15:51 PM : 188 comments : 13,646 Views

I was born a perfectionist and it is something I have fought with for the better part of my life. I believe my need to be perfect has kept me from going out and truly embracing everything that life has to offer. I have often wondered why I expected more from myself than I would ever expect from my friends and family. For me, anything short of what I deemed was perfect was like a Scarlet Letter I wore for everyone else to see.

A few months ago I was watching an interesting documentary on the masterpiece painters. They told the tales of how it took some of the painters years and years of painting and repainting a particular portrait or landscape before they felt all was just right--and even then it may not have been right for them. What surprised me was the sheer beauty of their work and yet these great painters were, many times, never satisfied as they always saw the flaws in their own work when no one else could.

That is precisely what I found true with myself-- my need to be perfect was keeping me from ever accomplishing anything I wanted out of life. I would set the bar so high that the minute I fell flat on my face I did what so many others did and that was to give up. Giving up was so much easier than forgiving myself for not being perfect and moving on.

Perfectionism was a crutch, a character flaw for all the world to see, even if no one else saw it, I believe they did. It was what held me back from taking risks and in some way kept me safe and comfortable. If I didn't try, I couldn't fail and if I didn't fail, I was not a failure.

But what if I do fail? Will that be the end of the world? Will I be any less of a person?

Next week as I celebrate my five year anniversary for reclaiming my life and my health, below is a list of what this journey has taught me about accepting my imperfections.

I am fallible and I will make mistakes- I am not going to say there isn't a sense of anxiety when I do make mistakes, but the more mistakes I make, the easier it is for me to accept my imperfections. I believe we all learn more from the mistakes we make than we ever learn from doing everything perfectly.
Others do not judge me as harsh as I judge myself - I love it when I read on the message boards how members help one another by saying, "Would you ever speak to a friend like that? Then why would you talk about yourself like that?" Letting go of judgment is by far one of the biggest lessons I have learned from you all. I would certainly never call my friend a 'fat cow' so why is that I would call myself that.
Love and accept the body I have- In all honesty, when I embarked on my journey I was doing it for my health, but there was a little hope that when I got to my goal weight I would have the body I had back in my college days 25-30 years ago. That has not happened. I am older. I have had a child and my body is what it is. But one thing I can say, my 20 year old body never ran a marathon either, WOO HOO!
Hold your nose, jump in and either, sink or swim-If you said to me five years ago, "Nancy, you are going to have one of the best jobs in the world doing what you have a passion for and that is helping others reach their full potential, I would have said, yeah, right?" But when SparkPeople approached me 18 months ago, I must say not only was I honored but I was scared to death. What if I failed? What if I couldn't live up to their standards? What if I can't do what they ask me to do? And for the first time in my life, I jumped at the opportunity, and while I can't say I haven't made a mistake, I have learned so much about taking risks. I am swimming!

The past few years have taught me to go out of my comfort zone and as the Nike ad says JUST DO IT! I am taking risks I could have never imagined doing so before I began my journey. In a few short weeks, I will be traveling solo to New Orleans to run in the Rock 'N Roll Mardi Gras Half/Full Marathon. Never would I have pictured myself traveling alone and running with 20 other Spark Friends I have met over the years. This is allowing me to break the mold of perfection and appreciate all the flaws that make me who I am.

Have you allowed your need for perfection to stand in your way of achieving your goals? Do you judge yourself more harshly than others judge you? What risks would you like to take on in the next year even if it means you run the risk of failing?

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Comments (Scroll to end to leave a comment)

JIBBIE49 3/25/2010 11:58:45 AM	Dr. Phil has pointed out that a "perfectionist" is just a person with anxiety, since the fear of failure keeps them from doing something with the thought "It won't be perfect." Reading biographies like Abraham Lincoln, taught me in school that successful people failed many times, and didn't worry about being perfect. They just kept trying.	188
TIME2JUSTDOIT 3/21/2010 10:39:46 AM	Thanks for this! I think we can all use the reminder that perfection is a process. I have had so many of those same thoughts...it's nice to know that I'm not alone and there is hope in forgiving ourselves and moving forward.	187
ANITAGOODLUCK 3/15/2010 8:38:17 AM	I loved this. Thanks so much. It really is true that when we try and make mistakes we learn to be more forgiving of ourselves and others. It is so much better than standing on the sidelines, afraid to try, and being critical of others who do try.	186
SCRAPPYMOTHER66 3/14/2010 10:50:23 AM	i, too have a problem with perfectionism. trying to fit in a mold that i can't possibly meld into makes things worse. i hate being a failure and when it happens depression sets in. i am always playing by some one else's rules and losing the game, in this case the weight game.	185
JUSTSOFT 3/11/2010 1:33:09 PM	This is right where I am struggling now and your blog really opened my eyes. God Bless you for this article. Keep up the good work. My name is Nancy!	184
ENAS38 3/7/2010 9:20:18 AM	Thank you for sharing.	183
ALEXIAAG 3/6/2010 12:19:07 AM	thank you for writing this blog	182
SCMAMAJONES 3/5/2010 2:28:01 PM	This is so me!!! I am trying really hard to let go of it. One perfect example: Hesitated to join a "food-tracking" site like sparkpeople because there are so many foods that I don't have exact nutrition information for. Well, hey, some information is better than none!!! So I'm just going with it and doing the best I can.	181
LEANMEAN2 3/5/2010 2:22:05 PM	Thanks for sharing.	180
PRESHA911 3/5/2010 12:37:30 PM	I have definitely allowed my need for perfection to stand in my way of achieving my goals. This is evidenced by the fact that if I "slip up," I think the whole day is ruined and I continue on my binge. I judge myself a lot more harshly than others judge me. I am my own worst critic. I would like to take the risk of trying (and possibly failing) instead of using perfectionism as an excuse for not reaching my weight loss goal.	179
CATNIPCHAOS 3/5/2010 10:14:29 AM	sigh Sometimes I think that because I had/have a problem with self esteem I am a raging perfectionist. If who I am doesn't measure up, maybe the things that I do will...right? I also have the habit of quitting as soon as there's a slight chance that I could fail...sometimes I just don't start due to the remote possibility that I might not be able to do a new thing perfectly right from the start. There's a book called 'When Perfect Isn't Good Enough: Strategies for Coping with Perfectionism' (I don't remember who it's by). It really helped turn some things around for me. Maybe it can do some good for others, too. Thanks for the article, all the best to everyone.	178
DHSPARK 3/5/2010 9:44:25 AM	Perfectionism has reared is ugly head many times when I try to do things. If I can't catch on quickly and do it "just so" I don't want any part of it. What this does is keep me back from trying things and "beating myself up" when it's less than perfect. Oh, brother...where in the world did I get that from? I'm working on this and realize that it's okay to not be "perfect" and there's more than one way to do things. Just attempting and doing my best should be good. I even look at my posts and if I misspell a word, the spacing isn't right, I miss a comma, or it just doesn't "look good" I have to edit my comment (more than once many times). I waste precious time trying to make sure it looks "just right". I overlook the grammatical errors when others post and don't really even care but not so with myself.	177
EILAMAE 3/1/2010 12:09:25 PM	Great article. It took me a while to figure out that I was a perfectionist. I always figured that perfectionists had "House Beautiful" with everything in place, and the same with the rest of their lives. I have been overwhelmed by the amount of weight I need to lose and the work it will take to accomplished it, and yes, the fear of failure. Way too many things that I haven't attempted because I couldn't do them perfectly.	176
SHERRY257 2/23/2010 10:38:27 AM	Thankyou, thankyou, thankyou. This is my favorite blog.	175
GREEKGAL1 2/17/2010 8:31:12 AM	I feel I have missed out on so many things for fear of looking foolish or failing. If I can't do something perfectly, I feel I shouldn't even try.	174
TALKTOBRAIN 2/16/2010 2:48:16 PM	Today I found out I am not alone. Inside I am a perfectionist, but the world around me would never know it. Almost everything I do I think about and if I feel I cannot do it perfect AND within my self dictated specifications that not doing is better than failing at what I know I "should" be able to do. It is not the perfection or the failure that kept me from doing is is the FEAR of not living up to MY expectations of myself. This is not logical. This makes no sense to me, because I have been told all of my life I was capable of doing whatever I wanted. Because I have never been rejected by my family. Because I know that life is not perfect or fair. Because I know that no matter what my friends and family do I love them anyway. I am not sure how this FEAR developed or the perfection, but I feel a relief that I am not alone and that the FEAR can be soothed. Thanks!	173
2009GETINLINE 2/11/2010 4:33:22 PM	In a household of "Is that the best you can do"? Was a hardship on an African American female not alone a male. We were taught to do it perfectly the first time. This is a set-up for failure! So when you don't reach the expectations of self, you critize yourself whithout any other help. Those were the hard years. Now at 59 I do what I can to be comfortable; without the self pressure and make goals that are realistic. Some good days, some not so good days; but the secret is getting back on track, without beating myself up. In life there are no failures, never will it be that way again. Set goals without deprivation, and go forward.	172
CMERUN7 2/11/2010 11:38:32 AM	I see that I am not alone in my admiration of you for penning our thoughts and feelings. You've remarkably captured what I could not (or would not) say to myself or even bring myself to journal (if I would ever take the time). There are sooo many ways that perfectionism has been stifling my life. However, I have recently taken a HUGE step in making great strides toward moving in the right direction. Even as I read this, I am very cautious in my speech because of my concern that I may not dot every "i" or cross every "t"...I remain optomistic, though, because if I were someone else in this same situation, I would counsel them differently...I'm saying all that to say that I am a work in progress and I thank you, Nancy - and each of you others - for being there to encourage and strengthen me. All the best....	171
RAEREDUX 2/11/2010 1:08:32 AM	Just what I needed to read today! Thank You! I have been trying so hard to work on not beating myself up over everything. I have always expected so much more of myself than I would ever expect from anyone else. " It is impossible to be perfect!", I keep reminding myself. There is no 'perfect'. I'm trying to go with doing the best I can at this moment. A challenge I have to face daily, sometimes many times throughout the day. I just spent I don't know how long reading and rereading my comment...Baby steps, I'm taking baby steps for lasting change. : )	170
BOOKS_CATS_TEA 2/11/2010 12:05:12 AM	This was very helpful - thanks! I had to save this in my Favorites because it was just what I needed to hear today! :D	169
SUEZETTE-414 2/9/2010 8:56:50 PM	Woo Hoo! Rock and Roll Here we come! A lot of what you wrote, I could have written about me....well except the part where SparkPeople ask me if I want a job......I'm still waiting.....I haven't gotten that call yet.....LOL	168
ZSAZSAJANNY 2/9/2010 7:34:06 PM	Yikes! I think I just did some writing on the same topic because these thoughts have been rattling around in my brain! Even at my age, I'm still battling this 'demon'. It's a daily 'battle' to remind myself to be a better friend to myself and to congratulate myself for what I've already accomplished rather than always trying to find just one more thing to add to 'perfect' a project. Breathe, relax and pat ourselves on the back right now!	167
RWG1949 2/9/2010 7:08:05 PM	The perfectionist label seems familiar. See Carol Dweck's book-Mindset: the New Psychology of Success. Although I don't recall much or even any attention given to perfectionism, her research suggests strategies whereby any of our typical approaches to challenges can be replaced with a particular 'mindset' used by successful people everywhere. This is not a new age treatise regarding positive affirmations but simply a psychological concept to manage our behavior, particularly our behavior related to attempting new projects, advanced work efforts, or unfamiliar challenges.	166
JAY75REY 2/9/2010 3:58:53 PM	Great post, thank you for such a thought-provoking message. Yes, I'm a recovering perfectionist and self-critic. I am working on being a friend to myself and accepting my mistakes and errors in life.	165
MISSALI147 2/9/2010 2:41:23 PM	This was a great post - thank you =) I've struggled with perfectionism for years. I'm reading a book - Too Perfect: When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Allan E. Mallinger, M.D. and Jeannette Dewyze. My therapist actually recommended it. This book has helped me to understand my perfectionist tendencies and how to overcome them. If anyone is struggling with this as I am I would highly suggest this book. Good luck to all on your journeys!	164
SCRAPPYLADYV 2/9/2010 1:46:40 PM	Thank you for this. In some areas of life perfectionism might be an assest. But if it keeps you from living because you are afraid to fail at something then it is a hinderence. That is what it has been for me. Holding me back because I might fail. Well the occasional failure probably won't kill me, and if it doesn't than it will make me stronger and more prepared for the next challenge.	163
JULIEIRENE 2/9/2010 1:06:36 PM	I could SO relate to this blog posting! I feel like I have a lot more self-assessing and letting go to do in this area. Thanks for sharing some of your own journey!	162
2BABETTERMOM 2/9/2010 12:40:30 PM	Very well put! I strive to do everything to the best of my ability and I do get upset if I don't achieve the results that I want. I am dealing with this and I think it all stems back to my childhood. I don't want to be a deadbeat, I want a better life for myself. I want better and I deserve better. I have a better life, I have to give myself a break and remember that it doesn't always have to be the best. I just have to remember to enjoy everything that I do no matter how it turns out. Just jump on in and it will turn out how it turns out. You can't have a perfect plum everytime!	161
FLUTTERBUGCE 2/9/2010 11:36:02 AM	I totally understand about perfectionism getting in the way of achievement! It's something that I'm working on and in the process of changing. Good luck when you run your race!	160
DEBJO99 2/9/2010 10:46:38 AM	I .too have have flaws, but i never wanted to own up to them. This is my new chance to say,I can be reborn. I am on my new journey in life . I am hopeful that I will find someone who will help me to go the distance. Not only for my health but to become a better me .My reading of your blog has given me some of the fuel .	159
RLMCCUE 2/9/2010 10:44:41 AM	Thanks, Nancy, for writing such a great blog that is about something that most of us experience at one time or another. I'm a terrible perfectionist but have not yet found a way to let go and "just do it." I constantly berate myself both for my efforts and my lack of efforts, and won't try things that I think I might not be good at. A perfect example is this: my local YMCA is starting a Zumba class on March 1st. I've been encouraged by all of the ladies I know at the Y to give it a try, as well as by some SparkFriends who have taken the class before. But because it's part of the great unknown I'm afraid to try it, afraid of looking silly or being out of breath and not able to keep up. This attitude has kept me from doing so many things in my life, but it is especially interfering with my health and fitness goals. I set unrealistic fitness goals for myself and practically set myself up for failure, then start a cycle of criticism that brings me to a complete halt. I don't know how I'm going to stop this cycle, but your blog gives me hope and brings the problem to the forefront of my mind. Thanks again for such an insightful blog!	158
MOMGETSSPARK 2/9/2010 10:11:50 AM	I think that as a teacher, I see that school really rewards those who have perfect grades, perfect behavior and this leads to this anxiety when we fail and don't know how to go on. We can do it though as no one is ever perfect, it is just our perspective.	157
JEBSPINDER 2/9/2010 6:44:50 AM	I feel like this was written for me. I find that I always hold myself to a higher standard that others hold for me. When I am merely human it is devastating and I know that is not healthy. Thank you for your inspiring words. I am trying to let perfectionism go as well!	156
LOUBELLEINAUS 2/9/2010 2:57:11 AM	This was a great post for me to read today. I signed up to do a triathlon this weekend and am stressing about it for exactly the reasons other commenters have put so well. I'm going to remind myself that doing the race is all that matters. 5 years ago I couldn't have run for the bus!	155
K_RENEE 2/8/2010 9:46:52 PM	Nancy, this blog is awesome. I really needed to see this right now!! I'm a perfectionist too and it can be to the point of being crippling! I mean the fear of failure can freeze me in my tracks. But reading this article has helped me put things into perspective. Now I can look at the 13 pounds I've lost this year as a success and not as "not good enough". Thanks! :-)	154
JAZZYSPICE 2/8/2010 9:45:12 PM	Nancy, This blog was right on time. I have been feeling depressed about my motivation, (or lack thereof), my weight loss goals and how on some days the only thing moving is time. Your article really nailed what I have been feeling. I was just talking to a co-worker about how a former boss really set the bar and how I really felt that I was not living up to my potential if I did not at least maintain her standards. Aarrgh! I was driving myself nuts. Thank you for helping me see what was really bothering me. I am saving this blog so I can refer to it as needed because I define myself by my perfectionism. Now I need to find healthier ways to show that I value myself (and my sanity). Thank you.	153
JERESS26 2/8/2010 9:08:10 PM	Thank you Nancy, you have put into words what I have recently been trying to figure out. Perfectionism isn't quite in every avenue of my life, but it does hinder me from going out and enjoying life to the fullest. I have a partner, who is helping me let go, though I don't think he realizes it. This is one of my favorites, and I will keep it handy for reminding me to treat myself as I treat my friends. Thank you.	152
LITTLEWINNIE1 2/8/2010 7:18:18 PM	So wise, Nancy! Thank you. It is strange to me that I am the least perfect when I actually apply my personal perfectionism standards. And criticizing one's self for "perfection" seems as counter-intuitive as criticizing a person for being a nightowl instead of leaping up to instant activity at some supposedly more appropriate early hour - it just isn't a value to be measured by. Doing well on things that matter is great. Doing nothing because of being stalled at the futility of demanding perfection is not. But, as so many of the people on this blog have testified, perfection is NOT something for us to reach for. I finally accidentally learned that forgiving myself for a moment of lost resolve on my eating plan was actually a moment of perfection. I can just start up again the next day and don't use a slip as an entry into personal disappointment and a mad eating spree. I now see "perfection" as mastering the aftermath of those slips without feeling like I have blown it forever. That new version of "perfection" makes me proud every time. And, oh how that improved my results. Good for me - NOW HOW DO I LEARN TO REORIENT THOSE PERFECTION INSTINCTS FOR EVERYTHING ELSE IN MY LIFE?????	151
HAPPYWRITER7 2/8/2010 5:07:32 PM	I read most of this in tears because I saw so much of myself in the top. My perfectionism is a PRISON for me, and I always feel people dont/cant really understand it. If I am not perfect, I am not acceptable, I grew up so much of my life believing this. Of course, nothing/no one is perfect (I know that) so I just stopped trying for any type of perfection at all, I just gave up. Even now, when I feel that Im trying, there's always still something there that keeps me from being consistent. Any of my SP friends that Ive had for a while can tell you, Im here for a few months and then just not for a few months. I really think my perfectionism has something to do with it - like that little nit picky voice - if you were perfect you wouldnt be here, and then when im not - well you cant even get that right. It's exhausting. Im so tired of it. I want to give it the boot, once and for all, but I know time and hard work is what it will take to lock the door after the boot. Thanks for giving us the nudge to start evictions.	150
BUNNABABY 2/8/2010 3:59:16 PM	My perfectionism is what hold me back from so many things. I want to walk the bridge walk with my niece in Astoria next year. Means I need to get in walking shape and lose some weight. That is where the fear comes in, I am mean to myself about weight loss. I go into it knowing that I will fail because I won't be perfect no matter how hard I try. Thanks for writing on this subject.	149
GRANDMARANDI 2/8/2010 1:35:33 PM	Thank you.....just thank you!	148
JEANNE229 2/8/2010 1:14:27 PM	I absolutely LOVED this blog. It is, well, ME!	147
OGOODY 2/8/2010 12:39:45 PM	"I am fallible and I will make mistakes." I relate to this so much. I have grown to expect victory everytime and when it doesn't happen I get really down. I have to remember this.	146
WENDYRS 2/8/2010 12:16:29 PM	Nancy, you are an inspiration! Best of luck on your trip to New Orleans, and on your half/full marathon. I, too, struggle with perfectionism. I feel like I have to control everything around me to achieve the high expectations that I have for myself. It's a tough thing to admit that I've done something wrong, and especially not to beat myself up emotionally about it. Thanks for bringing this problem to the forefront again.	145
LYRICCA 2/8/2010 12:15:46 PM	Was reading this and was really liking the article and appreciating its candidness and then scrolled up to see who wrote it - Coach Nancy! Doesn't surprise me. Thanks for another winner. :-)	144
JOY_IS_LOSING 2/8/2010 12:13:28 PM	I am trying to overcome my perfectionism. I seem to think it is all or nothing. If I can't do something perfect, I don't do it at all. I stopped trying. Now I'm starting to live, imperfections and all. I have always been my own worst enemy, but I'm cutting that out.	143
1LEANMAMA 2/8/2010 11:21:09 AM	Thanks for addressing this so perfectly. I too am a perfectionist and it has stopped my level of life function at times. I have General Anxiety Disorder and it makes me feel overwhelmed and powerless. When I do try to take action in my life, I then can't do it perfectly and give up totally. It has been a vicious cycle which I am working each day to stop. Spark People has been a great tool to see that the little steps are just right for me. I can't do everything, right now. Thanks again.	142
NGANA91983 2/8/2010 10:56:07 AM	Some days I'm OK with imperfection other days I am way out of control. It gets to the point I have a crying fit (I'm embarrassed to admit this). I've gone so far as to try and control my surroundings and the people in my life. I've learned the hard way that that never ever ever works. I'm working on some of the very same things you are. It's so great to read your blog and all of these comments!	141
FRAUSKO 2/8/2010 10:11:07 AM	An instructor once told me that I have these same tendencies. Maybe it's the oldest child syndrome : ) We have been groomed from childhood to strive for perfection. My mother still tells me how I could do things better. I finally had the courage to tell her that I know I'm not perfect, but at least I am trying and each time I try, I get a little better at it. Thanks for this well written blog.	140
DEANIEHUGS 2/8/2010 7:39:51 AM	I needed this reminder today. Perfectionism has sapped the joy right out of my life on many occasions. Here's to living in the moment and trying new things and having a "beginners" spirit. Just the willingness to try new things has value.	139